(NOTE: I had at one other point in time attempted a blog, and found that I was less than thrilled with the end result; so to avoid sounding as if I have yet to live in the present, I must inform any humble reader that this blog was composed at the beginning of January) For film enthusiasts, 2007 was a very exciting year. Whether you interests gravitate towards fascinating art films or larger-than-life popcorn movie affairs, there was a smorgasboard of entertaining films to experience. However, the year also produced it's share of awful films as well. For that very reason, I have decided to list the 7 films that I unwittingly suffered through the past year. Hopefully my personal sacrifice may encourage others to avoid the pain of experiencing these films for themselves.
The 7 Worst Films of 2007
7) Blades of Glory- I intentionally placed this film at the bottom of the list because there were some moments in the film that were mildly amusing, and most of them belonged to Will Ferrell. However, this film's substandard quality can be attributed to one man: Jon Heder. Now, this may seem like a controversial comment to make concerning the beloved "Napoleon Dynamite". Do not fret, Dynamite devotees, for I enjoyed that film as much as everyone else. However, I have not enjoyed anything else Jon Heder has been involved in. I thought he wasn't very good in Just Like Heaven (honestly, there wasn't much I considered good in that film), and I felt his character in The Benchwarmers was a pale Diet Coke version of Napoleon Dynamite. In this film, his chemistry with Will Ferrell is nothing short of appalling. Here's hoping he soon learns to play more than one role in every film he's involved with.
6) Ghost Rider/Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- With the recent critical and commercial success of the comic book movie genre (with the Spider-man series and Batman Begin reigning supreme), almost immediately every comic book license has been greenlight for a motion picture. While many of them are good films, or at the very least, decent, there are still plenty that have been truly terrible. But none can truly challenge the complete failure of these two films. The first, a Faustian tale about an undead hero biker born out of the flames of hell, finally provided avid comic fan Nicholas Cage to enter in the genre; it probably would have been better for everyone involved if he had declined. After the 23rd bad "fire" pun or wooden performance (with Eva Mendes being the main source of contention), I almost longed for Son of the Mask. A few months later, the second Fantastic Four movie further exposed me further to the horrors of bad comic book adaptation. I didn't even think they could do much worse than the first Fantastic Four, but apparently I hadn't counted on a Silver Surfer character who had a television in his stomach like a cosmic Teletubby, an even more metrosexual Dr. Doom, and a final major enemy Galactus that turned out to be.......a giant cloud.
5) Norbit- Attention to all filmmakers: a black male comedian wearing a fat suit and playing a woman IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. It was barely funny in The Nutty Professor. It wasn't funny in Nutty Professor 2. Or Big Momma's House. Or Big Momma's House 2. Or Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Or Medea's family Reunion. Or the next 5 movies that I am sure will use the same plot device. We all know the drill: at some point they are gonna sit on a chair that will break, they will randomly break other items because of their girth, they will smother any lover or potential mate during an intimate moment, and they will eat, and eat, and eat throughout the entire movie. Please let this crappy Eddie Murphy vehicle be the death nail in this irritating trend.
4) Epic Movie- This film is a parody film from the people who brought you Date Movie. And it was much, much worse than Date Movie, and that is saying a LOT. Look for the follow-up, Meet the Spartans, to be on this list next year.
3) Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End- With the exception of The Bourne Ultimatum, most of the "threequels" released this past year were disappointing to most people (though admittedly I enjoyed the Shrek and Spider-man entries). But the one that stood head and shoulder's as the largest failure was the closing chapter of the Pirates trilogy. With a plot so convoluted few could understand it fully (and the ones that did really didn't care anyway), the story alone should have been enough to sink this ship. However, in addition to the plot issues, the audience was subjected to a secret pirate weapon that was nothing more than a 50-foot black woman, a mindless ending that cheapened the two previous films, Keira Knightley seemingly channeling Kill Bill fight tactics all of a sudden, and the always brilliant Johnny Depp seeming to phone it in for this film. And most of all, after so many double-crosses and backstabs the audience is left with no character to truly care about.
02) Hannibal Rising- An interesting premise (How did Hannibal Lecter become the monster he is now) made for a truly boring film. This vapid prequel was so bad it may have actually lowered the quality of the original films by a small margin. The one quality that made Hannibal Lecter so terrifying was his ability to seem charming and likeable will still remaining positively chilling. In this film there is nothing chilling about him, and he manages to have absolutely no charisma whatsoever. Sadly, it seems this year Hannibal Lecter finally passed on, only to be reincarnated properly in the Javier Bardem's Anton Chigurt in No Country for Old Men.
01) Happily Never After- There is no simpler way to state this: Happily Never After is the worst film that I have ever seen. I decided to take a chance on the film because the producers of Shrek were involved and the concept sounded interesting (all of the fairy tales don't have a bad ending rather than the conventional happy one). But the film failed miserably by trying to seem trendy and hip but also maintain a kid-friendly sweetness. This film could have been great if it was done as an animated dark comedy, but instead it was done as a truly dumbfounding film that not only was a disgrace for every actor involved (George Carlin, a man I have always admired, is a part of the debacle), but it has also visually scarred the audience for all eternity.